Freeze A Crowd

Wanna Play Ice Spy?

Photograph copyright: DAVID McMAHON

The best thing about an icy morning here in Melbourne is the sunny, cloudless day. This shot was taken about half an hour ago, just before 9am Sunday morning (yes, it's Sunday here) when most of the ice had melted off the top of my car. But I raced out with my camera because the sun was glinting on the thin remnants of the ice, making it glint like tiny diamonds.

On a working day, the trick is to make sure you never suffer from FHS, or frozen hose syndrome. Back in the winter of '95, I was confronted with a car so comprehensively frozen over, even the door handles were iced shut. What? Me worry? Never. I just walked over purposefully to where I had cannily uncoiled the garden hose the previous night, in preparation for what I knew would be a grim cold snap. Only problem was, the hose was frozen stiff. It was like someone had put a metal rod into the hose.

The other danger, for Melburnians, is in disconnected hoses. See ice on the car. Connect hose. Turn tap on. Hose connection splits under pressure. You're drenched and ready to do a Jack Frost impression.

But you have to feel sorry for the Russian bloke who copped his own version of FHS, about four years ago. There he was, at a deserted bus stop on a sub-zero night. And the pressure on his bladder was beginning to mount. So he did the decent thing and looked all around, to make sure he wouldn't offend anyone by seeking relief.

He nestled into the corner of the bus shelter but he got too close. In that instant, flesh and metal fused together in the cold. Rescue workers eventually got him free, but when warm water failed to do the trick, they had to resort to pouring hot water instead. When the mortified bloke got to hospital, they had to figure out whether to treat him for frostbite or burns.

And spare a thought for the hardy residents of the Yukon (yep, Sergeant Preston's territory) in northern Canada, where the mercury often drops to minus 30C, even before the wind chill is taken into account. One evening I came out of the Gateway Lounge, a pub in Haines Junction on the Alaska Highway. And squinted at the electrical leads attached to every parking spot. Huh? That's where hardy winter drinkers plug in under-bonnet connections so their engine blocks don't freeze.