Banana Republic

No Peels Of Laughter Here, Officer

Secret service agents in Ukraine have impounded hundreds of tonnes of bananas - for five months, as part of a drug smuggling investigation. Now the ship's crew has been issued with nuclear war-style bio-hazard suits and respirators - to protect them from the toxic, rotting bananas.

FOOTNOTE: You old smoothie.

Get Me To The Church On Time

I’ll Crane My Neck If Ukraine Yours

A bride from Eastern Europe who is marrying in London is advertising on the website Gumtree for 'decent' guests to fill her side of the church. The Ukrainian woman's family are all at home, and only her parents can be at the ceremony. Volunteers have to send a photograph and write about themselves, but in return they get invited to the reception.

FOOTNOTE: Guest role.

Crazy Frog

Time To Do Something Concrete About It

Civic leaders in Ukraine have baffled taxpayers by unveiling a concrete statue of a frog to mark their town's 299th anniversary. But bemused locals have written to city authorities demanding to know why they put up a statue to a frog and local radio stations have started debates on the giant monument.

FOOTNOTE: Toad the line.